I walk out of my mechanic’s shop, my eyes focused straight ahead of me. Not until I hear the familiar sound of the car door shutting behind me do I let myself go.

And then I sob.

I sob so hard just as I hear “the voice” ask me if I have lost my mind. Me, the queen of getting rid of stuff is having a freaking breakdown because it may be time to let go of my Subaru.

The head gaskets need to be replaced. This, after I just got new brakes, lights, timing belt, tires and other goodies. And the head gaskets are a big deal. And yes, the car has 242,000 happy miles on it. And at some point, it is time to let go.

Chris sits by me and holds my hand as snot threatens to run down my nose. Not my best moment.

But the day continues and being Action Girl, I begin the process. I place a ridiculously lyrical ad on Craigslist. I start looking for a new car. I click on my own ad. Twice.

I know what needs to be done. My heart hurts, my head keeps running the numbers (and really, the numbers are not really pointing in a crystal clear direction) but I feel this little thing inside of me, this little bit of intuition that says “This is right. there is something important here, something I need to see.” And my intuition has never let me down so I listen. And I keep checking Craigslist.

The next evening, on our way to dinner, I am going through another “should I really sell it?” moment when I decide to take a look at the Essence. What is the Essence of this car? What is the Essence that is so hard to let go of? What is the Essence I will want in my next car?

Well, first of all, there is “Pretty-ness.” Yes, maybe it is silly but I like a pretty car. A “pretty to me” car.

Then there is Convenience. My Subaru is very convenient. Chris being well versed in the Essence extracting process, poses the question of what Convenience means to me. And just as I open my mouth to answer, just as I open my mouth to speak about The Five Seat Belts and all the-room-in-the-back-for-the-coolers-and-tents-needed-for-road-trips (like the one we took to Mexico a few years ago), I feel my heart swell. I feel my heart swell because all of a sudden I get it. I get the Essence, I get the heartbreak and I get what my intuition has been trying to tell me.

This is exactly what I am being asked to let go. No wonder it hurts so bad.

The road trips, the “all of us in the car” times. These are gone. They have been gone for a while now. Two of my kids have their own cars and when I hear them talk about road  trips, they usually mean road trips with their friends. Which is really the way it is supposed to be. Which is perfect. And which I had not fully looked at square in the face until that very moment.

At once, I felt the “click.” I felt the murkiness of my pain lift into a clearer sort of pain, a better sort of pain. I knew what was going on. And what was going on was good. It was just right. It was time.

Within minutes, I had visions of a bright yellow two-seater, or a bright orange 1974 convertible bug. Something very unreasonable and oh so wonderfully impractical. For a few minutes, I rattled off some pretty outrageous possibilities. Possibilities that were all about Me. Was I reacting? You bet. Did it feel good? Sure.

So here we are today. Whatever happens next with the car really doesn’t matter. I may pay for the head gaskets and keep it. Or sell it. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that my little Suby has given me yet another gift: the gift of “refreshing.” The gift of really seeing what IS.

What IS is that our togetherness as a family no longer hinges on road trips or cramped runs to the grocery store. It has changed, the way things change when they grow, when they thrive, really. And as kids get older, we all get to discover a new form of the same Essence. I look forward to it.

In the end, it’s never really about the Form. It’s never about the car, the house, the stuff.

It’s always about our heart and what /whom/ where we choose to attach it.

Hence the occasional snot.

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